Saturday, November 8, 2014

The Times I've Wished Away

There is a pattern I have begun to realize in myself that needs some work. Year after year of dealing with condition after condition, I have developed a habit to get me through whatever has plagued me at any given time. Each time I've been knocked down, I've prayed for the strength to get to a better place, physically, emotionally or spiritually (or all three.) I have found myself wishing away time, hoping that somewhere in the future, I would find myself feeling better. Then that time would come, and something else would happen. And once again, I would find myself wishing away time, hoping that sometime in the not so far future, I would find myself with less stress, less illness, less hopelessness; less whatever challenge was standing before me. 

While I realize that such thoughts are, in truth, very human, I have begun to look back at the overall fifteen years of illness and pain and wonder how many precious moments I have missed along the way, because I've been too busy wishing away time for something better. Perhaps if my health were more predictable, I wouldn't find myself doing this so often. I wouldn't be plagued by SO many episodes that hurt SO much. I wouldn't feel tortured by a pain that has had me on my knees, praying for it to pass.

However, my health issues have consistently put me in these situations, from hospitalizations, surgeries or long periods of pain. And whether it is normal or not, I've tossed many pennies into the proverbial wishing well with hope for the pain to stop, for healing to start and for time to pass so that I can start my life anew. I've spent so much of my life waiting for that moment when all the planets are perfectly aligned that I've missed more than my share of shooting stars on a long walk awaiting a perfect life that will never be.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
There are no perfect moments awaiting our arrival, but rather there are many moments awaiting our minds' and hearts' desire and ability to make them as perfect and precious as we can.  Moments don't have to be perfect to be precious. I can't beat myself up for all the times I've wished away, but I can go forward and learn to see the positive things that surround me even if I am in the hospital or in pain.  I can be grateful that the past year of 4 surgeries, a colostomy, and a lot of pain is behind me. And when I flip that coin, it is only after going through this past year that has made even the most simple moments feel magical.

Whether we notice it or not, time races by. It certainly doesn't need any help to do that. So I will keep those wishes to myself, and allow it to pass by on its own. I'm just so grateful to be along for the ride!