Monday, September 8, 2014

First: Acceptance

On Friday, I will have my fourth major surgery in just over the course of a year.  The first one occurred on July 30, 2013 when my exceptionally tight esophagus was repaired. Unfortunately, my bowel was nicked during the surgery, and I went in to septic shock. The next day I had to have emergency surgery to repair what damage was done from sepsis, 8 inches of my colon was removed, and I ended up with a colostomy for six months. I spent 6 days in the SICU afterwards, battling ICU Delirium. It was a very traumatic and life-altering experience. I am so fortunate to have survived!

That surgical experience left me TERRIFIED when it came time to reverse my colostomy. It had been six months of hell with my dysfunctional (the word the surgeon used) colostomy, and I wanted it reversed more than anything!,  However, after all that went wrong last summer, I worked myself into a frenzy of stress and fear about going under the knife again. Trusting a surgeon with my body again was tough.

I think that, as a culture, we invest our trust in our doctors as if they are demigods. I know that personally, I sign those "Medical Consent" documents like I'm signing for a UPS package. When you live through one of the SEVERE, potential near-death complications listed on your Surgical Consent sheet, you start to think more seriously about what it is to which you are consenting. Our bodies are sacred gifts, and we should take time and thought before letting anyone cut into them. Were it not for my past positive experience with my current surgeon, I wouldn't be going through with this. 

My terror was already seeping out when my mom, nephew and I went to Colorado last week to visit family. We had a lovely week, but there was a specific experience that has truly changed my way of thinking. I had energy work with a Shaman, and his wife gave me an angel reading. If you don't believe, allow yourself a chuckle and stop reading. If you feel like such things COULD exist, it's worth seeking out. This woman sat me down, and the cards I picked and the things she told me blew my mind. Tiny details nobody knows came out of her mouth. It was incredible.

I can't even describe the peace and inquisitiveness the reading brought out of me. It was like little drips of water on a parched tongue, and I want more water. It was a chiropractic adjustment of my spirit. I can't say all my fear is gone, but I feel my angels are watching over me. From this reading, I have adopted a different attitude. Rather than freaking out about this upcoming experience, I have instead reached within, using the tools that were validated in the reading and come up within several ideals to explore and adopt before surgery. They are intended to motivate yet soothe me in this voyage to the 12th.

Today's practice  is acceptance. It has been almost four weeks since I saw the surgeon, and it was decided that surgery had a good potential of helping my pain, There were no promises made, but he thought there would be a reasonable chance in relieving me. Since that appointment, it has felt as though each moment has crawled on; the idea of pain relief has seemed so far away. When every moment is saturated with pain, it is almost impossible to think about anything but relieving it.

Now that it has arrived, it's the acceptance that I will have to endure pain to heal. There may be tears before there is laughter. And I keep telling myself that I will be surrounded by my angels no matter how long I'm on this healing path.  I can see in my mind's eye good times ahead. I ACCEPT that they will happen. My heart can feel the pain leaving my life, and I accept that I deserve it!